PHILOPHOBIA

“We’ve never met, but she’s all I see at night
Never met, but she’s always on my mind
Wanna give her the world and so much more
Who is my heart waiting for?
Is she someone that I see every day?
Is she somewhere a thousand miles away?
Wanna give her the world and so much more
Who is my heart waiting for? (...)”
(“Who” ~ Jimin)

The idea for this painting was born just after the release of Jimin’s lead single “Who” (which was in July!). I could easily relate to the lyrics, yet I wasn’t sure how to approach this topic. I started with Jimin’s silhouette, but something felt off. Then, I understood that if I wanted to make a good piece, I needed to be more vulnerable...

“I crave touch, yet I flinch every time someone is close enough.”

This isn’t the first time I’ve mentioned the concept of philophobia. For some reason, talking about my struggles with depression felt easier than opening up about my fear of falling in love.

“My heart is very fragile
So I kept it from your love.”
(“Philophobia” ~ Emmanuel Davies)

I can’t say that I have no experience, but unfortunately, I can’t say it’s been positive. Every time I meet someone new and sense even a hint of chemistry, panic sets in. My memories blend with my fears and overdramatic nightmares, spiraling into anxiety that manifests as physical pain. It feels as though I’ve been marked by the traces of my fears left by others and my own anxious imagination.

“I want to fall in love again
But not the one that leads to pain”

I don’t blame my past relationships. We were all young, learning about our emotions and boundaries. Therapy has helped me and provided me with the tools to confront this fear. I hope that everyone who faces something similar will receive the support they need and find their missing piece (no matter if it’s a partner or not).

We all deserve love,

xoxo ~ AlessAlicia